How to Date: Fear Mode

There are a lot of people complaining about being single.  Right now, all over the world.  Chances are, you know more than a few.  You’ve probably been in that headspace before: near-desperate desire to have someone special in your life, to feel that spark again, to have someone to share beauty with.

It makes sense.  We’re intensely social creatures, and there are a wealth of studies that prove that social interaction and human touch are necessary to life.  Nearly all of our biological programming supports social programming.  Other than the last hundred years or so, it was intensely hard to live apart from a social group.  We need support, we need protection from predators.  And new studies are coming out that show even our gene expression is determined by the amount of human touch we receive as babies.

Nature is shaped by nurture.

That’s right, we can look at a person’s genetic code and tell you how much they were held as babies.  If this isn’t proof (on top of proof on top of proof) that we, as humans, NEED social interaction, I don’t know what is.

It makes perfect sense that we have a drive to find a partner.  Due to the fact that human brains are intensely complex, it also makes sense that this drive isn’t simply for reproduction.  We want to share this big, beautiful, messy, incredible, heart-wrenching, exhilarating thing called life with another.

So, because the majority of us would love to have a partner, many of us complain about the lack of one.  Whether we’re complaining aloud to our friends or simply feeling sad on our own, it’s the same feeling.  And here we go again:

Fuck your feelings.


We both know that no one wants to be with a sad sack.  No one is attracted to you when you’re small, whiny, pathetic.  And if they are, it’s because they don’t respect you.  Steer clear.

Clarification here for why I blow off feelings and how this approach is 100% love.

But what do we do about it?

“Run as fast as you can toward God,

then look around and see who can keep up.”

-Lance Hart

My lovely atheists, don’t be a coward and run away just yet.  Interpret as if your life depended on it – because it does.

So instead of this wild, endless search for a partner that leaves you empty, take a different tack.  Get out there and BUILD YOURSELF.  Beautiful things don’t come to those who sit back and complain.  Beautiful things come to those who make them.

Get vibrant, and the world will be your oyster.

You’ve met a person who has an incredible energy for living.  You’re intensely drawn to this person.  If they’re smart, they’ll only be drawn to you if you have the same drive, the same energy, the same lust for life.  They’ll only be drawn to you if you bring challenges to the table.

They’ll only be drawn to you if you’ve identified your personal self-actualization, and you’re running as fast as you can to get there.


So.  What does fear have to do with it?

Months ago I went on a date.  It was fantastic – we had a TON to talk about, great verbal chemistry, plenty of physical attraction, and a lot in common.  As I left, I laughed to myself and said “Nope, that’s a friendship for sure, but nothing else.  He doesn’t scare me in the slightest.”

Let’s get clear on the type of fear I’m talking about.  When I invite someone into my life, I need them to challenge me in some way.  If this is a person I’m considering as a life partner, they need to be at their A-game in several ways I’m not – because that will terrify me.  And I will grow.

The key here, though, is that in order to attract this person, I need to be hauling ass toward my own goals.  I need to be determined.  Passionate.

I need to be scary, too.

Today, set a standard for yourself.  Decide to welcome the fear.  Decide to get scary.

Decide to lean in.

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